Dear Journal,






Many of you have asked how to buy my songs and have said you'd like to help/support me. Thank you SO much, from the bottom of my heart. As most of you already know, all my songs are available for FREE DOWNLOAD. I am not asking or charging anything from them. But if, and I say IF, you would like to help or support me, you can donate any amount you would like to my Paypal using the button below. If you do, please let me know who you are so I can thank you personally! Again, I'm not MAKING anyone do this! Thank you so much!

With much love,

J'Lostein

Dear Journal,



There is no way I can write what I wanted to write about here without someone taking it so horribly wrong and messing everything up. So I'll move along.

I don't want to sleep tonight. I just kind of want to sit up, stay awake, and contemplate. Everything. I'm frustrated. I crave rebirth, reinvention, a restart. But I won't let it get me down. Channel the bad and turn it into a driving force, is what I tell myself. It's actually a good thing. Without these moments, how do we push ourselves forward, how do we stand, find our strength?

I came home exhausted earlier and had a short nap. Naps rarely happen for me, so you know I was absolutely gone. I awoke feeling heavy-hearted and headachey... and to find my cat Peanut on my chest, ha. The little darling. Anyway... I was feeling so tired, like the weight of everyone I knew had suddenly come down on me. Lately I've been trying to help out a few friends with some deep-rooted issues, and I felt like I was going nowhere, and felt frustrated. I like helping friends, I like lending a hand, I like making things better for them somehow. But tonight, I woke up feeling like all their burdens was suddenly on me, and all I wanted was to smash it all to pieces and make it better for all of us.

These moments come and go. This one left me craving reinvention, a new start, a new perspective to find all the answers and solve things. And damnit, I will do it.

I don't want to sleep.

J'Lostein

Dear Journal,





I always keep telling myself that I need/want to keep this or my handwritten journal updated daily, but always fail. That's me... I take on a million things to do at once, and nothing gets done in time, or at all, because there's too much on my plate. LEARN MODERATION.

2012 has been good to me so far. Things are slowly picking up from since I left Europe. I'm working in a place I love, getting paid (probably overpaid) to do what I love all the time, with friends and great people, gaining knowledge and skills that I love and want. I'm so happy and thankful :) Things are going good with family and friends, and dolls! I could stand to lose the weight I gained in Europe (xD) but other than that, I've really not much to complain about :) I've got it good and relatively stable, and that's more than what some people have.

By the way, hotshot, I'm doing just fine. I worked hard on my own before, and any push I had before was not due to you. Please don't flatter yourself like it was all entirely you doing all of the work. You know it's far from true. I'm much better, and happier, these days. Thanks.

Doll plans are coming along great! I actually have 7 arrivals pending... 7, at once! Hey, don't look at me... for one, half of them were unexpected birthday gifts, and secondly, I don't judge how YOU use your money... you've no right to gossip like a child.

But yes, it's amazing and I'm very happy! My doll list is one that's very carefully planned out, after going through tons of sculpts, and each one is very special and individual to me :) Right now, Raeli and Aurora are here sitting with me, helping me pick out stuff for Apple. Misha already has her stuff on the way... both Apple and Misha should be home around the first week of April! :) Very exciting, I've been pining for Apple for over a year now.

I've done a bunch of posting, organizing, acquiring, research... it's a good day. It's my day off work today, and the weather is beautiful, and dad made a yummy breakfast. Good things, good things.

I really need to get this doll journal up and running. Unfortunately, my old Kodak is really bad for pictures in general... I'd like a new camera, but I'm unsure which brand to go with. Hmm... I did like Emy's Sony in Paris...

By the way, I do not yet have a name for Misha, Migma, Lucy, and Byuri. WHAT TO DO.

J'Lostein

Dear Journal,




Sometimes, I am quiet. Actually, these days, I'm quiet a lot more. But in no way does that mean I have shut down. In my mind, there are a million and one vices working all at once, contradictions, debates, inner battles, critiques, reprimandings, and tearing apart of the being.

You see, it's never good enough.

I am an insatiable perfectionist by nature. No worldly standard is good enough for me. I set horribly unrealistic standards and expectations for myself (note that everyone else is just fine) that nothing is ever acceptable. It can always be better, it's never ever good enough.

"It must drive you crazy sometimes."

J'Lostein

Dear Journal,






I've botched up my sleeping hours again. I'm probably aging faster than I thought possible. It's a scary thought.

I just saw lightning flash outside my window. Now, thunder.

I took a break from Facebook for awhile. Not very long, maybe a week. But it felt very refreshing. I'm not sure if it's people, or it's me becoming more aware of all the heartbreaking things that go around. But I had to get away from it all for awhile, to simply... be. And it was lovely.

Tonight, though, was a big bummer. Evanescence finally performed here, in Malaysia, and I was all set to go. However, a series of unfortunate events conspired to transpire, and in the end, I stayed home feeling rather heartbroken. I have been in love with them ever since they released 'Fallen' (and now the 'real', 'true' fans from 'the beginning are going to hate me), and this was the first time they came around. I remember playing the live DVD, turning off the lights and turning up the volume like I had my own private little Evanescence concert at home. -Sigh-

DAMN, that was one seriously bright flash of lightning.

In other happy news, I received lovely belated Valentine's and birthday gifts! In the form of two lovely dolls on my list, I'm so happy! :) They haven't been ordered yet, but I will soon, and they'll take about 5-6 weeks to be made and sent to me. They are...

Dear Journal,








Aurora, my girl that I'm so heartbreakingly proud of. So many happy tears and a long story as to how I finally acquired you. Thank you, Silvy, for your awesome NON-SEWING work! ;)



With Aurora are Lacey and Lunabelle (the little one that belongs to Silvy). Lacey is with Silvy at the moment having an outfit made for her :) I never knew how emotionally attached and how big of a wuss I was until it was time to hand her over to Silvy for some time. I actually felt my marshmallow heart break >.> She's in good hands, I'm just being a big sissy motherly type.



Aaron, my precious boy. Another secret story behind him, but rest assured he is one of the most precious and important dolls I will ever own. By that, I mean who he is, not the actual sculpt. I clarify this because at this point, his face looks too babyish and he will need a change/reshelling of head sculpt to be more accurate. Fingers crossed I'll get it right at some point.



A better shot of Lacey, just because I still can't believe I am actually the owner of this girl. I instantly fell in love the very instant I saw her picture on the site and couldn't shake her off my mind for weeks. I absolutely cannot believe I was able to get her, cannot believe it at all. But I am so very grateful and this girl is extremely darling to me and wahhhh I do miss her so ;_;

Also... I don't know whether to concentrate on LiveJournal or Tumblr at this point :/

J'Lostein

Dear Journal,





 
 
My hair goes FLOOF.

I hope you all had a lovely Christmas. I'm not even going to lie. Mine went crash and burn. But... just because mine did, doesn't mean I have to ruin it for everyone else, so best wishes to all of you.

I keep thinking that next year will be better. Well, maybe this 'next year' just isn't here yet :)

I certainly have plans for 2012 to pick me up after the huge messes that came crashing and burning down all at once in the last quarter of this year... but I don't want to say what they are just yet until things are confirmed. Hopefully it's... a brand new start to a brand new life.

It's been a series of soaring ups and turbulent downs, but I guess that's life. I'm anxious to really get things picked up after this, though.

I pray, hope, and wish for good things :)

J'Lostein

PS: I pray that Santa stuffs my bank account.......

Dear Journal,





I actually feel like sitting down and journaling. To a person that does not usually fill this space, does that mean he or she has something to get off their chest? Does it mean they are going through a spot of downtime and they need an outlet? Or maybe it means they have the most exciting bit of news they simply MUST share?

Or hell, sometimes you just feel like journaling. That's all.

I haven't been able to sleep that great lately. Lara, my baby niece, and my sister and her husband are staying with us for awhile, before leaving to Denmark... for a year. Lara is now 16 months old and it saddens us all that she'll be away for so long. She is adorable, but highly mischievous and very tiring. Always running around, doing and playing with exactly what she shouldn't. I wish she would just... stay a baby.

I know I've been ignoring this space since I've been concentrating on YouTube (http://www.youtube.com/JLostein) and Facebook (http://www.facebook.com/JLostein) lately, but I think some of you here know about the song I worked with Yu Phoenix (ex-guitarist of German band Cinema Bizarre) in Germany =



How's that? ;D Not too shabby for someone who started out sitting her room alone recording on her computer :) I had a wonderful time in KR Studios in Germany, the producer was great to work with and many fun times were had. It's safe to say that my best times in Germany were spent being productive in the studio... maybe a bit too enthusiastically productive :P

The song is now out in many online stores, including iTunes and Amazon. Just search for 'Yu Phoenix Moonflower' and it should pop right up! :) I'd love to know what you think, a lot of work and love was put into this song and I'm pretty proud of it! My first real studio release! Albeit as a featured artist, but hey.

I should probably be more enthusiastic right now. I mean, what I dreamed for, this is the beginning. Finally flying out there and working in a studio in Europe... all my work was not for nothing! Honestly, though, I'm just really braindead and tired from having slept only 3-4 hours in the last 24 hours or so. I feel funky. Not a good funky. Maybe only slightly good.

Funky is usually good.

I was scheduled to return to Germany for more work early next year, but plans have changed and I have my sights set on the US. Reading about these visa applications and interviews is scary as hell, but I'm sure, like most other things you read online... it's exaggerated. Anyhow, plans aren't solid as of yet, but I'm keeping fingers, eyes, and toes crossed.

Did you know I have independent control of both eyeballs? I'm a chameleon.

Also, lately, I've begun cutting some ties in my life. I'm slowly letting go of people I thought I could never let go of before, people I was so blindly faithful to, dear friends I thought I couldn't live without. I sometimes wonder if it's them, or if it's me, but either way, the situation is not healthy and sometimes we just have to accept that people change, things don't stay the same.

I'm tired of lies and I'm going to walk away.

On another note...

OH MY GOD CAN THIS PLEASE BE MY BIRTHDAY + CHRISTMAS PRESENT PLEASE I HAVE BEEN WAITING SINCE MAY!!! ;_________;

=http://ringdoll.com/product/RingSpecial/frank.html

J'Lostein

Dear Journal,





Hi :)

I have to ease up on myself.

I can never seem to be happy, or satisfied, or pat myself on the back for what I HAVE achieved. I'm always beating myself up over what I HAVEN'T achieved, how it could be better, how I could be so much more, etc. Coupled with horribly unrealistic standard and ideals of unreal perfection = Never happy with myself.

Yes, I definitely have to ease up on myself.

Every time I do or achieve something, no matter how lovely it sounds in the end, I'm always focusing on what it lacks, or how I fall short, or how it's not good enough. The problem with my standards is that nothing within human limits can be good enough. Is it 'normal'? Not surreal, unreal, inhumanly impossible? NOT GOOD ENOUGH!

My eyes are macro lenses for imperfections. Every tiny scar, every pore, every misalignment.
My ears hear nothing but the empty gaps and flat notes and the missing etiquette.
My heart sinks at the missing spaces and idle harmonies.

I've never been content to just 'be', or be 'more than average'. It's perfect, or nothing at all. And it drives me mad that I haven't yet acquired every single skill to unimaginable mastery. Yes, I'm my own worst enemy.

I remember, as a child... I looked at my friends playing mundane games and feeling my heart sink. Always wanted something more, never wanted to be just another person. Focus, Jamie... reality.

So yeah... need to come back down to Earth and start giving myself a little bit of credit now and then :)

I swear I'm not a pessimist when it comes to other things... I'm just really hard on myself and unforgiving at times ;)

And yet... even at this moment, I still want to hold on to this masochistic self-torture and strive to find a way to actually reach that which is unreachable.

J'Lostein

Dear Journal,

Today I was speaking with a friend of mine and this subject came up.

Before we begin, let me just say that I do highly understand the concept of 'everyone is entitled to their own opinion'. You, me, him, her, everyone.

However... I do wish people would take a little bit more time, a bit more care and consideration, instead of being so quick to mindlessly tear something or someone else down without giving a thought to effect and consequence.

Let's say you're watching a movie, or listening to a new piece of music, or reading a new book, simply checking out something new. Suddenly, you find that this particular piece/film/book/etc doesn't appeal to you. You don't understand it. It bores you. You don't like it. Hey, that's fine. It's simply not your cup of tea.

Why, then, do people feel the need to go into such an uproar about it? It's simply not your cup of tea, and that's fine, go and spend your time on something you do like instead. Why, oh why, do people instead choose to mindlessly sit there and trash-talk and tear it down, wasting so much time? What is the point, where is the reason, what does it do in the end?

Absolutely nothing... except make you look absolutely stupid.

Hey, if that's what you want.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying people shouldn't have dislikes. Quite the contrary. I simply with people would take a little bit of time to... think.

But really... it's simply common sense. The fact is, my dears, that everyone has different tastes. Everyone has a different opinion, different likes and dislikes. There is nothing wrong with that. Just because you happen to disagree, or not like something, does not in any way mean you have to devote your time to tearing it to pieces.

Personally, most of the time (with some rare exceptions) I simply go 'It's not for me' and turn to something I do like. No need to waste time on unnecessary negativity and hate. When it comes to things like movies or music, most of the time I take into consideration that someone else put a lot of effort into this and it means something to them, and at least I can appreciate the work put into it.

Just because I do not agree does not mean I can be mean and hurtful.

Most may feel that it is harmless and with how cynical, cutthroat, ruthless and brash our world has become... most do not care. Most are uncaring, heartless, and cruel. However, trust my words when I say it does have an effect and it does matter. Words can cut so much deeper than you know.

Actually... people do know. Because what I also find funny is that people feel it's alright to do this... yet turn around and bawl their eyes out and scream bloody murder if, heaven forbid, someone does the same to them.

Hypocritical AND stupid. Human life is a never-ending mindrape. Why dost thou do such mindless things?

I have a complex. I hate... hate itself.

This is may be opinion, but is also simply a dream from one who wishes to no longer see unnecessary hate... however unrealistic that may be.

J'Lostein